Tuesday, June 26
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To a Science
Do you ever wonder if it's possible to always choose the slowest line at banks, supermarkets or retail stores? Well now you can tell your friends that it is possible, because I am that guy.
I've done rigourous scientific studies. I've picked the shortest line; I've picked the line where people had the least items; I've picked the line with the speediest looking cashiers; I've picked the lines with the best looking girls (probably my smartest idea), but it always results in me being in the slowest line.
Today at Walmart I went for the shortest looking line, which probably had 7 people in it. After a few minutes the aisle next to me opened up and people rushed there, including 2 people in front of me. I thought they were mad. There were only a few people in front of them, but they gave up their spot to be in a much lower ranked spot in the new line.
I laughed inwardly at the Lemmings as I saw their little feet scurrying into the new line while I casually tucked my sunglasses into my breast pocket and lifted a People Magazine for a superficial read. I was so cool that if any girls were watching me they would have instantly fallen in love.
I nearly dropped the magazine when I saw the shopping cart of the person first in line. She had a mountain of merchandize. I'm not talking about large items -- mini fridges and cookware sets -- mountain, I'm talking about dollar store shopping spree mountain. It was as if she had items the size of Tic Tac boxes that over filled Walmart's extra large carts.
Hi. I would like to purchase 1000 Tic Tac boxes all marked at different prices.
The cashier politely asked her if she would mind letting a person in front of her while she loaded the conveyor belt. After that person was done she wasn't even done loading yet but the entire belt was full.
Two magazines and 35 minutes later she was finally done. The sick part about how long it took was the cashier was one of the faster cashiers I've seen. If I had been in one of those slow cashier lines, like in the past, this would have easily been over 1.5 hours.
Can you imagine it taking 35 minutes for one person with a fast cashier?
Now you're probably asking why didn't I just go to a new line. Well, I was third. Behind me were 3 people. The other lines had 7 people, so I would have been 8th. But yes, I watched those lines, if I had been 14th it still would have been faster.
So tell your friends. Scare little children. You know of a guy who always picks the slowest lines.
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Monday, June 25
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I do not compute, but U do
I've been furniture shopping in anticipation of the condo (once again delayed - plumber strike) allegedly finishing in October. As usual, I used the internet to shop. I found a site with modern furniture at affordable prices so I signed up to get a price quote.
You learn something new everyday. Today I learned that my last name is invalid. At least the website said so. My last name needs to be from 3-16 characters to be a true last name. So I added a u.
But now I can tell them, "I knew something was missing in my life. All I needed was you to be whole."
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Friday, June 22
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More Patient Behaviour
"I'd like to see the doctor please."
"You have health card?"
"Yes, I do."
This is the part when most people hand me their health card, but at least once a day I get to sit and stare at the patient while they get to stand and stare at me. On rare occasions it goes on for a second round.
"You have health card?"
"Yes."
Stare.
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Wednesday, June 13
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Big Small
I had this friend in Japan who was a big guy. We used to laugh that I was already a small guy and he was already a big guy, but walking side by side did us no good. Today I chanced upon this picture from Dlisted and it reminded me of the conversation I had with him. 
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Tuesday, June 12
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Beef Barely Soup
 Next time you buy your double double coffee or sugar glazed timbit at the nearest Tim Hortons be prepared for what happened to my brother because it could happen to you.
He entered, ordered and returned to his seat as regular as any other day. When he looked to his beef barley soup he noticed that it wasn't beef barley at all. Hardly a problem he thought as he went to the cashier and explained to her that he had gotten the wrong soup.
The cashier was a 20 something girl, petite and unassuming. "That IS beef barely soup," she said matter of factly.
My brother looked at the soup again to make sure he hadn't made a mistake. "No. It's not."
"Yes, it is."
"No, it's not."
"Yes. It is."
"If it's beef barley, where's the beef?" he asked while raising his eyebrows in victory.
"It's beef FLAVOURED."
"Are you kidding? If you're going to argue, you should at least know your own product."
"What the fuck are ya gonna do? Huh?"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. What the fuck are ya gonna do you fucking Indian*? Fuck you!"
My grandfather recently passed away and my brother felt his presence near him, warning him that something odd was about to happen. At least this is what my brother told me. I don't think I would need any spirits to tell me something odd was about to happen after what she had just said.
He felt anxious and was preparing himself for the worst.
The cashier was fumbling with something under the counter, but from his view he could not see past her wrists. His body tensed in anticipation.
In the next moment her hands revealed themselves along with a 5 pound heavy metal object that she flung at my brother. He did a Matrix dodge bending at the hips to his side as it went sailing past him and cutting into the arm of a lady behind him.
The sharp edges of the metal object sliced open her arm in two spots and blood ran freely down her arm.
My brother looked at the cashier and said, "Good one."
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Days later, after much talk, Tim Hortons wanted to compensate my brother by giving him a 30 dollar gift certificate. They kept emphasizing that he could use it anywhere, but he told them that they were insulting him and he would rather not accept.
* My brother is Vietnamese
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Thursday, June 7
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The Onesome Threesome Finale
I was sitting on the train seat beside The Terminator and we looked like two sacks of lumpy potatoes. Our hands lay limp by our sides and our eyes were lifeless except they flared briefly as we spoke.
"They were pretty hot."
The Terminator released a drawn out breath. "Yah."
"Do you want to go back and look for them? It's not too late."
"No. No. No."
The train halted to a stop as the suited salarymen loaded onto the train. It was the start of their long work day. Stepping into the cart, they very quickly closed their eyes to fall asleep standing up.
"So, can you explain to me one more time why you're here and not with them?"
"Think about the pressure. You have two strong, aggressive, good looking women who are going to expect a lot. It's a ton of pressure. When I'm with a women I always have to please her. It's what pleases me."
"I never even thought about that. But it's true. If you're the please the girl type, you're going to have to do twice the pleasing. And no one's ever taught us what to do in a threesome," I said. "Well, unless you want to count pornos."
"And then I'd have to skip work when I'm already not on good terms, and what if I wreck things with XXXXXX?"
We sat in silence for quite some time. At one point, he let out a small beer burp and then settled into a comfortable slouch.
I started to unconciously shake my head as his reasons began to slip from my mind and visions of two naked hot girls replaced them.
"You know, they probably just found some other guy. But let that sucker try to please them both eh?"
The Terminator looked at me and opened his mouth about to reply before closing it and quietly mumbling, "Can we talk about something else?"
"Foursomes?"
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Friday, June 1
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Venting
Man. I'm so pissed. Lost a 400 dollar hand when he only had an 8 percent chance to hit it on the river. He had pocket Aces and I had two pair on the turn. I checked and he went all in and I instant called. The last card was one of his 4 Jacks he needed for the straight (the 2 aces in the deck would have given us a split pot).
Usually, when I make the right play and get lucked out on I don't get angry because I know I played right. But this one really bothered me because I've been on a downswing.
The other days, I played poorly. But today I played so well and then something like this happens.
I also lost AA versus KK all in preflop for 150 dollars, but that one didn't bother me as much.
I guess anyway you make money there is some sort of stress attached to it. I've set up rules I follow to prevent myself from playing badly.
For example, after two big unlucky losses I must take a break. Also, never trash talk because I get really heated and then lose my play. Argh. This post is just to vent out some of my steam.
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